Study Break

This is a time when I have absolutely no business putzing around on the 'net. I finally finished a project for First Aid that took the entire weekend and I still have 2 Chemistry assignments (due tomorrow) and a paper for Biomedical Research to write (due Tuesday). I am going stir crazy. I can't stand to sit here at my desk anymore and yesterday I spent the time lying in bed working on my laptop. It has been a gorgeous weekend for weather...obviously I didn't get to enjoy it. Oh well...it is my choice. Thankfully, there was curve on the last Anatomy lecture exam and I have a B in the class. I am waiting for the results of the last practical that we took on Thursday night. I felt really good about it until the last 10 rotations or so. I wasn't completely lost on the last 10, it was just that up until that point I hadn't had any trouble. Anyway, I am still waiting for the results. If I can pull something decent on that, I will feel much better going into the final. I am really upset about the way Anatomy has turned out for me this semester. It is the only class that I am not set up to get an A in...but it is the class that I expected to get an A in. Really bothersome. There is no reason that I shouldn't have done better in there. I know the stuff. I know it. I can make excuses all day long, but when it comes right down to it...I don't know that I can pinpoint what it actually was. Perhaps a combination of a few things, some that I had control over, others that I didn't. I will end up with a 3.7 if all goes as expected through finals. I really don't want to think about grades right now. I am getting too worked up over finals.

My desk is an absolute mess. It looks like my mind feels. I have all sorts of stuff on here...including my dinner plate since I ate while working. I know that some people preach that you should always have a clean and clutter-free desk for maximum whatever. Obviously, that is not the philosophy to which I am subscribing right now. In fact, my entire office is just a sinkhole of mess. Maybe I will try to get it cleaned up before I begin studying seriously for finals. I say "maybe" because I have set so many goals like these before and priorities always win in the end. "Clean the desk or do the homework"...which is going to get me into med school? Certainly not cleaning the desk. I am definitely more a Christina (Grey's Anatomy) than a Meredith. At least when it comes to tidiness. I am always hygienic...just not always tidy. Ok, it is more likely to find my house a mess than clean. Sad, but true. Would I like to have a housekeeper? Sure, but this is one of those things that hubby says we can do ourselves and frankly I don't trust anyone anymore.

Anyway, I am gonna post this and try to work on Chem. If I can just get this one assignment done it would be great. I would only accomplish half of the stuff that I needed to this weekend and need to get creative to get the other stuff done...but I will still feel tremendous relief with this one assignment done.

Ok. Ta-Ta For Now.

This has been a tough week for a variety of reasons. As I lie here typing this, I have ridiculously swollen eyes that caused me to not want to look in the mirror any longer. I have been really down in the dumps...whether this stage of it is depression or just a bad mood I am not certain, but I had a previously scheduled therapy session yesterday in which my doc and I took turns raising our voice to each other. I really couldn't wait to get out of there, but perhaps the fact that I didn't want to be there in the first place and I told her that didn't really set a positive tone. Either way, it is over.

I was thrilled to read this morning that the major project that I have had scheduled due this Monday is actually due NEXT Monday.

It is a gorgeous day here. Hubby was on duty last night so he is napping, but hopefully we will get some stuff done or go biking this afternoon. I am kind of anxious to tackle the trails near our house, but he is not so much of a daredevil when it comes to biking. Don't misunderstand me, I am not a daredevil by nature, but I am not all that afraid of getting hurt on a bike. Perhaps I should be.

Gee, this was a useless post.

4.16.07

This post will come as close to me revealing who I am to those who don't already know.

Campus was very quiet today. Eerily quiet. There was a somberness that was palpable. I do not attend Virginia Tech, but nearly everyone at my university knows SOMEONE who does. My best friend was at VT when the shootings occurred yesterday. As you can imagine, she is visibly shaken.

Regardless of who you are, where you were, what school you attend or your role in life at the current time, it is understandable that this affected you. It affected me. Perhaps I was being hard hearted when I thought it wouldn't. It did. I watched hour after hour of the coverage with my jaw dropped, unsure of what to say. You don't say anything at a time like that I guess.

I need to go right now, I will likely edit this later.

Circling the bowl.

I thought that perhaps the depressive episode that I was experiencing had subsided a bit, but apparently I was wrong. Unfortunately, not only am I dealing with that right now, I am having a fibro flare (I have Fibromyalgia) and anxiety (I have Panic/Anxiety Disorder also) is kicking my A$$ as well. I don't know what the worst part is. The depression is really, really rough but the anxiety makes you want to be flying off the same bridge as the depression. I just need to make it through the next 3 weeks and then I can crumble...for a LITTLE bit. I will only have 2 weeks to spare for any nervous breakdown that my body/mind is thinking about having without my permission. The end of the semester is near...very near. I am thrilled, scared and sad all in the same thought. I have had a wonderful Anatomy lab this semester and I am not anxious for that to be over, but on the other hand I am really looking forward to the class being over. Don't get me wrong, I have really enjoyed it but I feel that we are severely limited in what we can learn without regular exposure to cadavers. I am fed up with the juvenile behavior exhibited by so many people that decide to crash the lab the week before a practical. We all spend a heck of a lot of time in there at those times, but is it REALLY necessary to break models and human bones for the sake of having fun? I think not. I had a couple of friends over today to study for a lecture exam that we have coming up on Thursday. I am seriously behind the ball on this one. Somehow, I need to pull it out by Thursday. I really don't have any doubt that it can be done, it is just a matter of if my mind will cooperate.

I have 2 doctor's appointments this week...or is it 3? Either way, I don't have time for anything outside of school until the semester is over. I know in my heart of hearts that I should also go to see my primary because another doc of mine is concerned about pancreatitis, but I DON'T HAVE TIME! It is 8:55 on Sunday night and while I could be studying, I am not. I am wallowing in self pity and self-disgust. I don't know why, but I know that whatever this is is not healthy.

Please God, help me hold up for 3 weeks.

Don Imus Fired.

I am not going to give my opinion (at least in this post) on the matter of Don Imus's comments regarding the Rutgers Women's Basketball team, suspension and eventual firing. But, I would like to know yours. Come on! Give me your opinion and what causes you to feel/think that way.


Oh... and on the school front.. I received a 100 on my most recent Biomedical Research paper. That makes a 95 and a 100. WOO HOO!

Thanks!

Falling...

Recent days have been very difficult for me. I can't get myself motivated .. for anything. Mere existence is a huge effort. I haven't dealt with depression like this in quite a while, but I appears my time has come again. Perhaps blogging about this is not exactly wise, but too many people have a sense of shame when it comes to depression and I think that is wrong. Unfortunately, I feel the same way. In fact, if I had given any indication as to who I am, I wouldn't be entering this post. Depression sucks. I was diagnosed with depression many years ago and it really didn't surprise anyone. There was enough stuff to deal with that depression was pretty quick to diagnose. I really don't like, nor appreciate when someone seemingly diminishes what another is enduring when it is depression. "The blues" or feeling "down" is something completely different. I have no desire to eat, to talk, you get the picture. I have had it beaten into me by my doctor that no matter what I MUST keep moving and so here I am typing. I would rather be sleeping or staring at the wall. Staring at the wall seems to fit right now.

What I am going through doesn't fit into my friends' schedule. You see, I am supposed to be in a good mood all the time and available at their beckon call. Last night, a friend of mine called and after seeing me obviously not doing well yesterday and despite the fact that I sounded 1. half asleep and 2. horribly out of it she proceeded to begin yapping and crying about how upset she was about some friend's dad dying. This is not a friend I have ever heard of before. In fact, she didn't even hear it from the friend or a friend of the friend. She heard the news from her own mother. But, that is beside the point. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO GIVE YOU RIGHT NOW! I AM HURTING HERE AND YOU APPARENTLY DON'T GIVE A RAT'S A$$ ENOUGH TO EVEN ASK WHAT IS WRONG. In all fairness, it is not like I would tell you..frankly, I wouldn't know what to say, but please don't call me when I have felt like I am hanging on the the Earth by my toenails and start in like I am in a completely solid frame of mind. I am hurting right now. I am hurting worse than I can express and apparently worse than you understand.

Completing this post has taken me several hours. I don't have anymore, but please be sympathetic if you can't be empathetic. This sucks. Good night.

The New Generation...

Over the course my education this time around, I have become acutely aware of the significant differences that exist in the students from 12 years ago to now. I am more aware of how much more students study, or maybe it was just the students that I hung out with just didn't seem to. Unfortunately, I have also been exposed to the stark entitlement issues that students now seem to have. If it isn't THEIR way, it is NO WAY. The good of the group does not compare to the good of themselves. I wish I could accurately describe this in detail, but I can't. For example, if something that a professor says (even if it IS the truth) makes you cry...that is for some reason inexcusable. What? Since when? That is life! If I hear one more girl say "he/she made me cry" or "they almost made me cry" I am going to scream. Apparently, in this new time, if you cry it increases the severity of the offense exponentially. I really do not understand this. Political correctness gone awry. I am not a big fan of political correctness. I never know what to call anyone or how to describe them. Once you figure it out it changes, not to mention it typically doesn't make any sense. I live in a very, very diverse city and my university is even more so. I enjoy diversity...usually. Except when it becomes something of a weapon. Where am I going with this? Gee, I wish I could explain that completely too. Here is the story:

Today, I had Chemistry. About 5 to 10 minutes after the class began, I noticed my instructor pause and look down the aisle and smile...quite noticeably. I know this instructor rather well and this was not a normal expression for her. Not that she doesn't smile - she does and often. But it was more like she was taken aback and then a smile emerged. I thought she was sharing an inside story with someone. Not really a joke, but a story. When I looked back, I saw a girl walking down the aisle of the lecture hall with her say, 2 year old son. They took a seat in the second row center. The kid was adorable to say the least. But, I couldn't understand why someone would walk in late with an obvious distraction and perch in the second row. When I walk into a lecture once the professor has begun speaking, I choose a seat in the back where I will not distract the rest of the class as I traipse to my normal seat. I have been in classes many times when parents were forced to bring their children for one reason or another. Sometimes I am sure it is inevitable. I admire them for the extra effort they go to to get an education. Usually the parents sit in a scarcely populated area of the room or the back and I have never encountered a significant difficulty with this. But, this woman (girl) chose neither. Most kids have been so well behaved you don't even know they are in the room. Unfortunately, this was not one of those times. The kid talked and talked and when he wasn't talking the mother inexplicably kept saying "Shh. Shh." The instructor stopped 3 times to shush the child in her most pleasant voice. The mother did nothing. I sit in the front row, center...right in from of the student with the child...I could not hear what the professor was saying. Literally, it was THAT loud. I kept thinking it would stop eventually but 20 minutes later they were still going strong. I thought about leaving. I also thought about asking her to move to the back so I could hear but like I said people have entitlement issues and unfortunately react poorly when these are threatened. Frankly, I didn't want to be beaten up. (I'm serious, this is a violent city.) Eventually, the woman (my friend and a non-trad post-bacc engineering student) sitting next
to me had had enough. I was looking down at my notebook when I felt her hand fly into the air. I decided it was best to keep my head down, which I did. She apologized to the mother but explained to the instructor that she simply could not hear (even from the front row) and felt that children did not belong in this or any lecture hall. (On many syllabi at my univ, children in the classroom are specifically prohibited.) The mother said she would leave. My row mate was not rude, quite polite by my standards actually. My head was still down. Call me a wimp, I don't want to start trouble...hey, I am trying to get into med school here. After the mother and her child had left the room everyone was roaring about how rude my friend had been and how mean it was to say that. I honestly don't believe anyone realized how loud it was (CONSTANTLY) where we were sitting. I defended my friend in front of the class, but it was obvious no one agreed. That student with her child could have made better choices...like sitting in the back. I still think it would have been an audible distraction but at least I would have been able to HEAR the instructor. I am assuming that the rest of the class didn't experience the volume of those 20 minutes because they were behind her. They were not in the complaining student's position, I was, yet they were judging her as if they were. Apparently, this episode has already spread around campus (oh geez). I know this because a friend who was not in class emailed me because she had heard from someone who is NOT in the class, but heard from someone who is. OH MY. I opened my email and found this email from a student in the class. I feel was wrong. Oh, and speaking of "public announcements"...she was heard by only those present...he sent this to EVERYONE enrolled.

Subject: Chemistry: A Healthy Rant...Please Read

TO THE LADY WHO CAUSED THE SINGLE MOTHER TO LEAVE CLASS TODAY:

Lady, I don't know what your name/problem is (nor do I care) but you need to
grow a spine and get over yourself.

(For those of you not privy to whom I am speaking, it is the "older woman,"
sitting in the front of the class, who made a public announcement causing the
single mother with her child to leave class today)

Now I am going to begin this rant....

Lady, you are not the center of the universe. Where as I do understand it
becomes more difficult to learn as age progresses and the child may have been a
faint distraction, what you did today was completely uncalled for. I do not
know if you have children of your own, or what your family status is, but you
did that mother a serious disservice today, and I don't know if you know it,
but you seriously embarrassed yourself as well.

Let me begin by putting this in context, here is a woman who is admirably
trying to get a college education while also taking care of a child. (XXX University) has
basically zero services for student parents, and in attempting to do what is
necessary to further her education, she must bring her child to class. As
such, you decided it was more important for you to hear uninterruptedly (rather
than just read up on chapters of the parts you weren't clear on) and
consequently make a public announcement about how much of a distraction the
child is, causing that single mother to leave.

Completely heartless, ridiculous, immature, and uncalled for...

Not only was the content of your statement completely absurd and uncalled for,
the manner in which you pursued this was entirely childish and basically
ridiculous. If you had so much of a problem, why could you not simply turn
around and approach this mother as an adult and speak to her as a human being
asking her to resolve the situation personally. Rather, you felt it necessary
to "tattle tale and tell teacher" that the child was making it impossible to
learn, via a public announcement. Now imagine how that poor mother felt,...
embarrassed... and who knows what other emotions, and deprived of the same
education which you so obviously also value.

I am ashamed to be your colleague as a student here at (XXX University).

And if I may, TO THE SINGLE MOTHER WHO BROUGHT HER SON TO CLASS TODAY... You are more than welcomed to bring your son to class any day, furthermore, I would
be more than willing to sit with him in the back of the class if necessary, if
that is what it takes for you to come to class and learn. And I am sorry that
some people (as old as they may be) are still not mature enough to treat
situations as adults and in appropriate manners

-(XXX Student)

So, I am interested on YOUR take on the matter. Children in the second row of the classroom...should the students being disrupted leave or should the parent leave? Maybe I am wrong. Let me know what you think.

Over and out,
Dr. Underdog

First Meeting...and other junk.

Today was the first meeting of our new organization, (XXX Univ) Students for Organ Donation. We had a small turn out, but I will take those few with their enthusiasm over a mob of "whatevers" any day. I am encouraged and excited by what we can accomplish with this group. We already have a work day scheduled...NEXT WEEK!

I got my grade from my Anatomy practical... an 80. I guess that isn't horrible considering I completely forgot about the ... the... see, I can't even remember it now!! Ugh. It is on the fourth ventricle...somewhere...and responsible for the production of CSF. Aggh! Why can't I remember it? Some sort of plexus....YES! THE CHOROID PLEXUS. Geez, that was painful. Anyhow, I wrote that it was the central aqueduct. I know, I know brilliant, but hey, it was a guess.

I am really fatigued this afternoon. Not sleepy, just fatigued. The weather is gorgeous, but I always have a bit of a time adjusting to the warmer temps.

A friend of mine, a pre-nursing student, had a major breakdown this morning. I am not convinced that she was not considering suicide, but seems to be doing much better now. It was really horrible. When I finally found out where she was, I practically busted down her door to find her crying in the kitchen. She cried for hours after that. There was so little I could do. She was upset about her grades and it never helps when I get a higher grade than she does on an Anatomy exam. Thankfully, on this exam, I didn't indicate how I thought I had done (frankly, because I didn't know) but she always gets upset when I say that I think I bombed it (which I legitimately think I have) and then end up with a higher grade than she does. She is convinced that it is some horrible thing I am doing to her. I am not trying to. I am answering a question. I scored 20 points higher than her on the lecture exam and 10 points higher on the practical. The sad part is that I think in many cases she is much more prepared for the test than am I. She really shouldn't be getting the grades she is..if you took into account the hours of prep she does. Either way, she had a major breakdown which was topped off by her finding out that she scored a 70. Thankfully (so sad that THIS is the good part) a friend of ours REALLY bombed it so she could concentrate on how much worse it could have been. Somehow, I got her to go to class and the meeting which, sadly, she managed to cry through intermittently. Those days are really rough. I hope she can soon begin to see the brightness ahead. Heck, we only have a month left!